Just getting your children into the car to begin a holiday can be like herding cats. It’s not easy — having young kids and taking them on the road is an absolute mission.
So, these are the seven trials every parent must endure if they are to battle all the odds and take a toddler on a road trip. Brace yourself…
1. Gluttony (better known as sugar overload)
Just give in. All the routines, healthy living options, and sugar bans of normal life must be abandoned when you’ve got an insatiable toddler in the back seat.
Be it a car, bus, taxi, train, or plane, the first drawn-out whine will always be a high-pitched “I’m huuungry”.
Toss an apple back there and you are just as likely to have it returned (possibly to the back of your head) with excessive force.
Load up on the two-for-one specials of goodies and create some secret stashes. Make sure there is one bag of everything for each child. This is the first must-do for the road trip.
2. Lust (for your phone, tablet, or anything else you are using)
Charge EVERYTHING. The game device, the smartphone, the tablet…even make sure your smartwatch is at full capacity. Then abandon any hope of actually using them.
The back seat is the arcade and cinema of this trip, and if the lights go out you’d better be prepared for the agony of a raging toddler.
3. Greed (because there are never enough toys)
Remember that second bag of Maltesers you stashed away? Here is where it comes into play.
Your car is like Noah’s Ark—you must have two of everything (more if there are more than two children).
Anything one child has, the other is going to want. There will be no compromise, no quarter given. Always be ready to lob another Fantales grenade over your shoulder to prevent all-out war.
4. Pride (in the art of destruction)
Disable the door handles, the windows, weld them shut if you have to. At some point, idle hands are going to do the devil’s work.
When you arrive, sweep anything breakable off the benches, make sure the TV is well-secured and remember: remotes are capable of enormous damage when wielded by a stir-crazy three-year-old.
5. Sorrow (at the fact that we aren’t there yet)
Now that the children are swimming in a sea of confectionary, electronic devices, and service station toys, they are bound to be happy, right?
Definitely not. Because as the road signs sweep by, it is only a matter of time before the inevitable whine number two comes into play: “Are we theeeeere yet?”
Be assured, any response other than “Yes” will be met with tears and tantrums.
6. Vainglory (or the achievement of getting the unscheduled loo stop)
You have met with the hunger cry and the repeated requests for an itinerary update. That has got to be the end of the complaints, right?
Not so fast. You cannot escape whine number three: the toilet demand.
No matter how much you urge your child to go to the toilet before you leave, they are going to need a roadside pit stop. And they will smile broadly when the car is pulled over.
7. Sloth (or the eventual crash after what was a pretty good holiday)
After a mountain of sugar, more swimming than they are likely to do in the next two years, and a cavalcade of movies, food, and exploration, this is the best part—the part that makes it all worthwhile: watching those little whiners doze off to sleep while you throw back a cocktail or ten.
